Heritage

Today I started researching my ancestry. There is a lot of documentation about my father's lineage, but I have not found much from my mothers. Today I found an immense document about my maternal grandmother's line and am looking into that to start participating.

I miss having a blog. I have not done much online for a long time in this way. I guess I don't like the permanence of it in a way. I used to only write for myself to work out negative emotions. Now I'd like to write for others.

We shall see how it pans out.

Reading ADDitude Magazine

Sometimes people with ADHD are so used up trying to cope with the stresses of everyday life that they need extra quiet/alone time and sometimes avoid social contacts.

Yuck

I'm the saddest woman in the world today.
Luckily I'm going to sleep soon.
I hope tomorrow is better.

I don't know what subject to put. Who cares.

One thing I don't like about blogging is the permanence of it. I am so tempted to delete posts once I am over something or have moved to a different place with it.
That is also what makes me hesitate to write more... I have deleted entire blogs before.

Anyway.

So I wrote the last post when I was angry. I don't know if I was correct in my observations or not. After all, skilled Narc's are incredible con men.

What I do know is that regardless of that, I gave it another chance, then ended it again today.

I am very sad and I believe I was in love. yea yea grateful for the experience. So what.

Definitely a head vs. heart thing. The man was just not healthy and able to be part of the type of relationship I wanted to have. Too much bitterness from his last outing I guess? Or sheesh, he might have been simply unable to be honest with himself and thus anyone else.

I gave it a chance when there was remorse and the promise of doing what it takes to prove trustworthiness. That promise lasted a couple days then he changed his mind. A week into it, he hid something while looking at me. Deep breath - yep. While looking right at me. That is a bit far from where I am with honesty and a partner today - a bit.

I am feeling cynical at the moment if you couldn't tell. When I told him I needed to end it, he found a quick way to make it my fault. OK. Whatever.

Let's see. 17 years on the internet and this was the first time - the first man - to inspire me to actually delete profiles off web sites, remove photos, and make private my photos on the only site where they exist.

This experience has pretty much made me not want to date anyone online ever again.

Dum

unreal

A taste

"You know, the life I had before you - I knew how to do that. I could do that forever. But now look at me. What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do with all this?" Erica, "Something's Gotta Give"

I don't have the time now to do this topic justice. I am in love. I am amazed. I have only known this man about 3 weeks and I could picture us spending the rest of our lives together. No, I'm not kidding.

Everything seems to click... emotionally, mentally, spiritually, physically. And I have fallen for his little daughter. Our families fit together...

The catch? c'mon, it's ME. You know there's a catch.

He has to move away for work. There's no way I can move unless I leave my children and I can't do that now, no way.

The way I feel though?
Gosh. I would consider changing visitation to week on/ week off to be with him at least half the time.

If you know me, you know this is very very unlike me to even think this way.

I have never before thought about the word soulmate. I know it is way too soon to know for sure, and who knows, I may look like a fool any time for saying that. But gosh, we have yet to find any incompatibility, and every moment - every single thing I learn about him - I know we have only barely scratched the surface and there is SO much more for us to explore.

Now the question is.. will we get to?

Gratitude

I hope I never forget this time in my life. I hope I remember ever single little detail of every single day.

My heart is filled up every moment I spend with my three children. Son, 12; daughter, 9; and son, almost 3.

Whenever I meet someone new, and tell them about myself, I get to revisit everything again. The surprise of my youngest was once the scariest and most devastating dilemma and now the impact his presence has just been so amazing and nothing I could have predicted at all.

It is late. I don't stay up this late very often... I fell asleep early a couple times this week so I guess I was due. Heh.

Hope all who read this are feeling good about their lives.